Recently, my best friend Angela told me a hilarious story. It was about me. A couple of Angela’s friends visited her a few weeks ago. I had met them briefly two years ago (August 2011) and only have blurred memories of our encounter. However, one girl had a vivid recollection of a conversation we had had during that time. Since I was out of town during her recent visit, she asked Angela how I was doing and how my PhD was coming along. Angela explained that I was currently working on my master’s degree. The girl responded by saying something like: “Oh, I just remember Olesya saying that I’m going to get a PhD and I’m not stopping until I do!”
Who was this Olesya she was speaking of?!? As Angela told me this story, we laughed out loud for a long time.
Truth is, is that Olesya was me. And many people, if not the majority, still know me as the Olesya who is married to her schoolwork since she’s pursuing a PhD.
But the truth is, is that I’ve changed over the past two years. I’ve changed so much that my own words sound outrageous and quite comical to me. As a matter of fact, I am stopping. I am taking a break after this year and not applying to PhD programs this fall as planned. And I may or may never apply. Period.
I’m not going to dwell on the many pragmatic considerations that led to this decision (time commitment, job market, etc), although they certainly matter. Instead, I want to share the core reason for this major shift.
In short, it’s Jesus’ fault.
You see, I’m an awesome planner. My brain often functions like an excel spreadsheet that can tell the future. During my sophomore year of college, I decided that I wanted to pursue a PhD in history (and apparently that I wasn’t going to stop until I got it!) What I didn’t realize is that life actually doesn’t revolve around me and my plans.
There was a slight detour in my plans as I had to first get an MA instead of going directly for the PhD. “No worries,” thought excel Olesya, “this will serve as the perfect stepping stone for a top notch PhD program.” But in fact, I was broken and humbled that I wasn’t accepted by a single doctoral program, and that my last choice school asked me to come for their MA, rather than the PhD program. Quickly, my last choice became my only choice.
God is grace though. And somehow, I was offered funding for my first year of graduate school. I accepted because I realized that this was an enormous blessing, not to mention the fact that I literally had no other choice. I remember talking to my brother Alex about the situation and saying something like, “I have a feeling that God doesn’t want me to get a PhD, and is just being nice to me and letting me get a master’s.” I chuckled at my facetious comment and continued to plan away.
When I began graduate school a year ago, I had every intention of applying to PhD programs. Although the workload can’t compare to that of undergrad, I did enjoy the rigor and soon learned to love both my university and city, which was a miracle in and of itself. (Perhaps more on this later.)
However that fall semester, I began to feel Jesus tugging on my heart and asking me a simple question, “Who are you?” As simple as it seems, that was the most challenging damn question I have ever faced. I struggled to realize that if my education and career pursuits were taken away, I was no one. My education had become my identity. It was my idol. It was my life.
All these years, I’ve always wanted to serve God. But I always had my own conditions. I planned to serve God through my education and career. Man, I’m a good planner.
Yet Jesus called me to surrender all.
I don’t think we really understand the definition of “all”. (I will refer to this thought again in later blogs.)
For some time, it was a battle. It almost felt like a physical struggle. The thought of surrendering my education and career aspirations made me suffocate a bit. (Let me be clear that I do not believe that education and careers are evil in and of themselves; in fact, they are usually necessary and often serve for good. But, in my case I had a few things to learn.)
Slowly, God in all his graciousness revealed a few crucial things to me:
First, over time, I had somehow subconsciously accepted and believed the lie that I had to get a PhD in order to be good enough for my family. (More on this later.)
Secondly, the real issue was one of trust. Whom do I really trust? Myself and my plans? Or the God of the entire universe who sent his only son to die for me?
At that point, God did not tell me not to apply to PhD programs. He just asked me to be willing to surrender all. I wish I could say that I willingly surrendered and everything fell into place. But, I can’t. Because quite frankly, I suck at life. Yet in the midst of my stubbornness and pride, Christ loved me in every way possible. Through his grace and love, I did eventually lay down my selfish ambition. But instead of receiving a green light for doctoral pursuits or perhaps another grand plan for the future, God told me to wait and trust - the worst possible thing for an incredible planner such as myself. Yet, there is only one sovereign being.
So, wait and trust it is.
(Stay tuned for more!)
Who was this Olesya she was speaking of?!? As Angela told me this story, we laughed out loud for a long time.
Truth is, is that Olesya was me. And many people, if not the majority, still know me as the Olesya who is married to her schoolwork since she’s pursuing a PhD.
But the truth is, is that I’ve changed over the past two years. I’ve changed so much that my own words sound outrageous and quite comical to me. As a matter of fact, I am stopping. I am taking a break after this year and not applying to PhD programs this fall as planned. And I may or may never apply. Period.
I’m not going to dwell on the many pragmatic considerations that led to this decision (time commitment, job market, etc), although they certainly matter. Instead, I want to share the core reason for this major shift.
In short, it’s Jesus’ fault.
You see, I’m an awesome planner. My brain often functions like an excel spreadsheet that can tell the future. During my sophomore year of college, I decided that I wanted to pursue a PhD in history (and apparently that I wasn’t going to stop until I got it!) What I didn’t realize is that life actually doesn’t revolve around me and my plans.
There was a slight detour in my plans as I had to first get an MA instead of going directly for the PhD. “No worries,” thought excel Olesya, “this will serve as the perfect stepping stone for a top notch PhD program.” But in fact, I was broken and humbled that I wasn’t accepted by a single doctoral program, and that my last choice school asked me to come for their MA, rather than the PhD program. Quickly, my last choice became my only choice.
God is grace though. And somehow, I was offered funding for my first year of graduate school. I accepted because I realized that this was an enormous blessing, not to mention the fact that I literally had no other choice. I remember talking to my brother Alex about the situation and saying something like, “I have a feeling that God doesn’t want me to get a PhD, and is just being nice to me and letting me get a master’s.” I chuckled at my facetious comment and continued to plan away.
When I began graduate school a year ago, I had every intention of applying to PhD programs. Although the workload can’t compare to that of undergrad, I did enjoy the rigor and soon learned to love both my university and city, which was a miracle in and of itself. (Perhaps more on this later.)
However that fall semester, I began to feel Jesus tugging on my heart and asking me a simple question, “Who are you?” As simple as it seems, that was the most challenging damn question I have ever faced. I struggled to realize that if my education and career pursuits were taken away, I was no one. My education had become my identity. It was my idol. It was my life.
All these years, I’ve always wanted to serve God. But I always had my own conditions. I planned to serve God through my education and career. Man, I’m a good planner.
Yet Jesus called me to surrender all.
I don’t think we really understand the definition of “all”. (I will refer to this thought again in later blogs.)
For some time, it was a battle. It almost felt like a physical struggle. The thought of surrendering my education and career aspirations made me suffocate a bit. (Let me be clear that I do not believe that education and careers are evil in and of themselves; in fact, they are usually necessary and often serve for good. But, in my case I had a few things to learn.)
Slowly, God in all his graciousness revealed a few crucial things to me:
First, over time, I had somehow subconsciously accepted and believed the lie that I had to get a PhD in order to be good enough for my family. (More on this later.)
Secondly, the real issue was one of trust. Whom do I really trust? Myself and my plans? Or the God of the entire universe who sent his only son to die for me?
At that point, God did not tell me not to apply to PhD programs. He just asked me to be willing to surrender all. I wish I could say that I willingly surrendered and everything fell into place. But, I can’t. Because quite frankly, I suck at life. Yet in the midst of my stubbornness and pride, Christ loved me in every way possible. Through his grace and love, I did eventually lay down my selfish ambition. But instead of receiving a green light for doctoral pursuits or perhaps another grand plan for the future, God told me to wait and trust - the worst possible thing for an incredible planner such as myself. Yet, there is only one sovereign being.
So, wait and trust it is.
(Stay tuned for more!)
